ok this is going to be a different type of stream-of-consciousness post than my usual haha, you have been warned.. and i don’t know if it will even be coherent, but it will be honest!
i entered a very dark abyss this week, mentally, and i might be crawling out of it. so many different thoughts and questions were coming up throughout my emotional rollercoaster, and i figured i’d share them here as reflections; since i am somewhat removed from the soup of it now, and i don’t know what else to write about.
what caused the mental spiral, you might ask? well…
🌀 🌀 🌀 🌀 🌀 🌀
i spent hours and hours, day after day.. applying for jobs. weird, it doesn’t sound that scary written as a sentence like that. but OH MY GOD did it ever ravage my mental health!! like fucking bulldozed it! upon pondering why, i came up with a few things, and i will list them in no particular order:
it feels dehumanizing to distill your existence down to a “resume” and “cover letter”, and also.. these documents feel really dry and off-putting to me
it’s tedious, mind-numbing and repetitive to apply for jobs because each one requires so much effort and wants you to repeat what’s on your resume but in a fun new way that’s tailored to their company
it is painful to spend massive amounts of time and energy trying to get a job that i don’t even actually want to be doing lol. but the alternative is not affording my basic needs
it requires some degree of inauthenticity, which is difficult as a poet whose ultimate goal is always truth. for example, portions of my cover letters are not honest.. they are persuasive and convincing, and the parts about my work experience are true. but no, i was not thrilled to see the opening for the role of live chat customer support representative haha it actually makes me want to vomit from anxiety
doing all this and getting no replies makes me wonder if i’m even built for this world.. like is this really what i have to do until i am 65 or 70? i truly don’t know if i have that in me
having been laid off multiple times now since the pandemic has me so exhausted. i’m tired of worrying about financial stability. i’m tired of hearing about it inside my own brain.
it’s scary when you are applying for jobs but don’t currently have one.. that need for immediate income is like a creature looming over one shoulder, and desperation lingers over the other shoulder. desperation is SUCH an icky feeling!!
all of this took away the energy that i would usually have for writing and creating posts/videos - things that spark joy for me! but my creativity felt inaccessible due to the above.. which then only furthered the 🌀
i am aware that others in the world have it worse, and this is a first world problem. but i’m sharing my honest experience because that’s what writers do, and my fragile mental health re: capitalism/society/work might resonate with someone. i spoke with various people this week who all offered lovely advice and supportive ears - one friend said that it’s important to incorporate play into our day even if (or especially when) shit feels overwhelming. because play taps us into our truth and our centre, which is ultimately the space from which we want to approach life changes/choices.
it’s hard to get where we want to go when coming from a space of fear and lack, or desperation. but it can’t be ignored that it’s very difficult to get out of that fear-space once you’re in it!
* enter PLAY as both the doorway and the key 🚪🗝️ *
knowing this, i went outside into my forested backyard to play with the dogs multiple times each day. to literally and metaphorically TOUCH GRASS. and fully lay down in it. whenever i’m wondering what the point of life is, nature reminds me why i am here. also, dogs are always dwelling in the heart-space of play.. so i tuned into the present alongside them and felt the spring sunshine on my cheeks.
laughing as i fed each dog a singular blade of grass, and every time i’d pluck one from the soil, they’d act like the grass blade that i was holding was the BEST BLADE OF GRASS TO EVER EXIST, and run over to snatch it from my fingers. it made me laugh so hard
another thing that made me laugh re: grass was my boyfriend this morning saying omg i think a bear or deer slept in the yard last night, a big patch of grass is all flattened!
this has happened a few times before, so he was right to assume that it was a bear or something. but i fell apart giggling as i tried to admit to him that the mysterious creature was ME this time lol. i am the creature!!
i’ve been noticing that these so-called “little” moments or tiny joys [cute] are actually THE BIG THINGS. they are all important. so here are some other things that brought me joy this week amidst the brain-chaos, in no particular order:
🌎 🐘
and lastly, watching episodes of Planet Earth has been biiiiig medicine for me this week. whenever i’m feeling anxious or overwhelmed, nature documentaries have always brought me so much peace. but this week it felt even more potent because i’d been spending so much time questioning why i’m here, and what’s even the point, etc.
watching wild elephants stroll across the savannah literally made me cry because this footage speaks to the deepest parts of my soul. as a reminder that, if anything, i am here just to witness the wild. for the chance to be among them.
everything may be uncertain, but the tulips bloomed today and they smell like promise.
if you’ve made it this far, thank you. i appreciate your readership so deeply. writing is my greatest passion, and sharing it with you is the cherry on my life’s cake. actually it is the cake!! you can also find me in these other portals:
♥ instagram
♥ tiktok
♥ youtube
♥ goodreads
♥ my books on amazon
♥ my website (poetry books & prints)
⋆。゚☁︎。⋆。 ゚☾ ゚。⋆⋆。゚☁︎。⋆。 ゚☾ ゚。⋆
This piece resonates so much, particularly this part « but no, i was not thrilled to see the opening for the role of live chat customer support representative haha it actually makes me want to vomit from anxiety. » I have always found resumes and cover letters to be immensely confusing because they feel so inauthentic.
I feel I went down the emotional rollercoaster with you after those reflections on job hunting 😮💨
Thank you for sharing a bit of your journey and play 😊