pink skies

on sifting through a dead loved one's belongings

my life shattered in 2022 when my stepdad died suddenly by simply not waking up one morning. there was no autopsy and only recently have i found a shred of closure. he had been by my side since i was two years old and in the end, i was the person who drove seven hours each way to go through his belongings. i took what i could from the RV that he was living in at the time.

i filmed the below video and posted it to TikTok right after making that journey.. i didn’t know what else to do with myself but write this piece / record the video / spiral into a dark and foreign void. the writing and sharing felt healing.

the experience of a grief of this magnitude changed me irrevocably, for both better and worse. i’m sharing this now because as we enter the holidays, i know many of us feel mixed feelings or are missing someone who was usually there. i see you <3

↑ this song is beautiful but very sad ↑

↓ video i made after The Journey ↓

I’ve imagined this a hundred times but now I’m pulling into the driveway where your RV has been parked. You’re gone but your closet smells like you plucked a shirt from it just yesterday. Your toothbrush by the sink as if you used it this morning. I sit in your jeep, my first car, and the seats still feel warm. Everything is as it was - except there are flies and you’re not with me. I curse the flies and this reality but nothing changes.

My chest becomes a thousand rivers and knives as I sift through what’s left of your home. I see myself everywhere. I curl up into a ball and sob in your bed. I spot photos of your two favourite people on the bedside table - me and my mom. I fill the back of my truck with your things and the sun shining above me doesn’t look real.

I’m on my porch now, wearing your sequoia green winter coat. Chain smoking cigarettes even though I don’t smoke, but you did, and maybe somehow this will bring you back. I know it won’t but I do it anyways. What else can a heart do with all this of this love, this grief. This love.

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