i'd never dug a grave before

but today i dug two

two years ago my stepdad died in his RV, apparently in his sleep though i will never know for sure. a few months later i drove to his friend’s property where the RV had been collecting sunbeams, mice and dust - Jim’s toothbrush still by the sink of that little bathroom like a still life painting.

a faded polaroid of us on the dash. the clothes in his closet smelling like he wore them yesterday. i grabbed everything that fit into my truck and brought it all home, eventually went through each box. each item.

nestled among books about the gold rush and old watches and piles of trucking logs [a semi truck driver all his life] - he had two jars with ashes inside of them. i didn’t know who they were and i still don’t.

so they sat in my garage for a year until i knew what to do with them. i’m moving to the city on Sunday, away from the woods and this cabin that reminds me of grief - so today was the day to bury them.

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i’d never dug a grave before, but today i dug two. i wanted to give these people, whoever they were, a sacred resting place. so i walked into the forest, ashes and shovel in hand. palo santo and a lighter in my right pocket, bear spray in the left because the bears are hungry this time of year. kokanee salmon spawn nearby and i dug up the earth ‘til i saw worms. two small holes.

Jim’s spirit animal has been a bald eagle since he died, so i asked the eagles to come and they did. watched their wings flicker through cracks in the pines and heard their call. the sun warmed my cheeks and a butterfly flew past nearby ferns and everything that was once too heavy to hold - felt like a prism. the way light scatters.

i spoke a few words and burned the palo santo. back to the earth from where we all came. plucked wildflowers and placed them on top of the nameless graves and thought about how one day i’ll be nameless too.

the dark stuff often ends up with beauty along its edges. somehow, that thing we cannot bear to touch contains everything at once. somehow it’s always beautiful.

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